


Finding Yellow

by addie-cake (MonkeyVenom)



Category: Free!
Genre: Completely AU, Gen, terminal illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-11 23:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4457135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonkeyVenom/pseuds/addie-cake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Haruka smiled - An actual one, the kind that made Rin's heart stop and start in the span of a millisecond. He gaped, trying not to be obvious but failing so incredibly hard. Fearing the other could see it too, Rin looked away, eyes trained on the not-so blue sky above him." Or, in which it's kind of a douche move to fall in love with a dying guy's boyfriend. Makoharu/Rinharu</p><p>(I was given permission by the original author, addie-cake, to post here.  Please enjoy.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It’s kind of a douche move when you fall in love with a dying guy’s boyfriend. But it’s easier done than what might be imagined.  
  
Rin was cradling his hand against his chest. It was throbbing, of course; that much was certain. Gou was beside him, her pencil scratching against the crisp, white paper. The clipboard was tedious and cumbersome for the petite girl, but she made no indication that she was bothered. After all, her brother was the one who might have a broken hand, and she was just glad that he wasn’t cursing at this point. She’d count that as payment, for now.

The waiting room was virtually silent. There was a forty-something woman on the phone; tears clung to her eyes as she screeched dinner instructions into her mobile. Rin could only imagine what might have been going on in her mind right now, and he was certain that a rapidly-bruising wrist would be a trifle matter for her. In front of Rin, the receptionist was reading. She glanced up occasionally, offered the Matsuoka siblings a cordial smile, and returned to her literature. She didn’t dare look at the near-sobbing woman.

People don’t sympathize well, especially when they don’t understand. Rin couldn’t blame the woman at the desk; he wasn’t exactly jumping up to sling an arm over her shoulders, to tell her that everything will be alright, when perhaps, things may never be the same or ever even okay again. Instead, the redhead was glancing over Gou’s handiwork, surprised by how quickly and accurately she filled out the sheet of paper.

At least, Rin reasoned with himself, he was eighteen and no longer required his mother to accompany him. Now, he simply had Gou, and that didn’t seem to be nearly as torturous.

The shoes were the first things to catch Rin’s eyes. They were yellow converse, too chipper for a waiting room. Rin nearly rolled his eyes and stopped when he saw the receptionist glance over. “Good morning, Haruka!” she chirped, placing her book below the counter. The teen she was talking to gave a small smile in answer. He looked tired, perhaps a bit flustered, and that struck Rin as odd because it was only four in the afternoon.

“Have you had lunch today?” the receptionist asked. She looked as if she genuinely cared, and Rin looked over his shoulder as the middle-aged woman exited the hospital, flustered and rushed. Never a good sign.

This Haruka shook his head. “Apparently, I need a nap.” He seemed a bit put-off by his own statement, and he inhaled very deeply, running a hand through his ebony hair. “I don’t know.”

The woman, who now appeared five years younger to Rin, nodded slowly. “Are you going home for the night, or…?” She trailed off, waiting for Haruka to finish her statement. They must have known each other fairly well, because she hadn’t been nearly that conversational to either Rin or Gou.

“I think I’m going to get something to drink, then try coming back.” That was a depressing sort of statement, Rin thought. Obviously, something had gone wrong during the first visit. Perhaps it was a grouchy grandfather who didn’t want to be sympathized with or cared for, and he had all but forced Haruka out of the room under the pretense that the younger required some sleep. The patient might have even been a parent, someone who didn’t dare look weak or sick in front of his or her beloved son. Whatever the case, this poor Haruka guy looked spent.

If Rin had known that he was staring, he’d have stopped. Instead, he faced mortification when the bluest pair of eyes turned on him. Rin stiffened, the pain in his hand forgotten by the stab of something poking at him. He couldn’t decide what it was, wouldn’t even think to remember to, because Haruka seemed so familiar, now that Rin got a good look at his face.

“Uh-” The most intelligent way to start a conversation, naturally, was to stammer through the first word. Rin mentally smacked himself, before straightening up. “I like your shoes,” he managed, hating himself. Moreover, he hated those shoes and had only said what he did so that Haruka would stop staring.

Haruka raised an eyebrow. “Thanks?”

Beside him, Rin could hear Gou giggling. He hated that sound, and the degradation that came with it. He cut his sister a sharp glance, and she silenced her laughter (not by much, though). The young girl pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, still smiling, still holding the clipboard.

The doctor that would later assess Rin’s completely unbroken hand eventually entered the waiting area, and Rin was ferried off into an examination room, leaving Haruka at the front desk. Rin knew him from somewhere, he convinced himself, as the doctor was informing him of how to care for a sprained wrist. He wasn’t listening, too busy thinking about those ocean blue eyes and that tired look to them. He was certain he’d never see Haruka again, and he couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed; he desperately needed a chance to redeem himself, to convey to the teen with the ugly yellow converse that Rin Matsuoka was more intelligent and eloquent than monosyllabic phrases.

 **: free :**  
  
He never put much thought into fate, never cared enough to bother with it. And if he did believe in fate, Rin was sure that fate was most definitely not on his side.

But when he spotted Haruka again at the same hospital wearing the same yellow shoes only eleven days later, he didn’t want to fight this good thing going for him.

He had just finished visiting with Sousuke, assuring himself that the young man would make a safe recovery from his surgery. His shoulder was reportedly still in massive amounts of pain (Sousuke used a more colorful vocabulary to describe his discomfort), and it would remain that way for quite some time. But, because Sousuke was physically strong and in good health and mind, the doctor saw no reason as to why the young man wouldn’t make a full comeback. The physical therapy was confirmed to be difficult and challenging, but Sousuke always rose to a challenge, Rin affirmed the doctor. Perhaps he was being overbearing and overprotective, but he wanted everyone to know that Sousuke Yamazaki was tougher than some surgery.

Rin walked through the hallways, deciding that he had earned himself a drink of something. At this point, he didn’t care how sugar-laden or artificially flavored it was; his mouth was dry.

Roaming the hallways, Rin allowed his vision to be pulled by the different characters that walked the floor. Nurses, plenty of them - some were chatting animatedly with their friends, and some were walking by themselves. There were doctors, preoccupied with the clipboards in their hands or strolling with their hands in their lab coat pockets. And visitors passed by, as well. Bouncing children, who had no clue what a hospital even was, clung to their parents’ steady hands as they were guided through the corridors.

Once he finally found the vending machine, Rin dug in his own pockets for loose change. He breathed a tiny sigh of relief when his hand brushed against the coins. He inserted the money in the machine and agonized over his decision. Knowing that he should be health-conscious, because he had a meet next week and needed his top form, Rin finally picked the most natural choice and screwed open his bottle of water. He took a long and greedy drink before he turned around to continue walking.

Yellow. Once again, Rin froze, mouth once again dry. The water seemed to have become sand in his mouth; he swallowed, his former words bubbling into his mind. He said he liked the shoes, but he hated them. How to recover from that…

If at all possible, Haruka looked more tired than before. More than that, his eyes looked glassy, as if he might have been crying. Maybe, maybe something happened to his family member that he’d been visiting earlier. Rin didn’t want to say anything, mostly because he knew nothing about Haruka aside from his name and that he looked vaguely familiar. Even so, his mouth betrayed his better judgment, and he found himself speaking before he could even think about it.

“Everything okay?”

Haruka looked at him, studied him, didn’t respond for what seemed like years. He nodded, stepping past Rin to look at the vending machine. He too chose water, and Rin prided himself with at least one good decision that day. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I am. How’s your hand?”

Rin looked down, a bit shocked that Haruka even remembered what Rin was at the hospital for. “Oh, well, it’s good.” He paused, realizing that the longest word he had ever spoken to Haruka was “everything.” He allotted himself a moment to center his thoughts and spoke. “It was just a relatively minor sprain. It still hurt, but the doctor said I’d…recuperate in no time.” Thinking over his word choices again, Rin was pleased; he’d said multiple words that contained more than one syllable.

Haruka didn’t seem to notice. “That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

Rin took another gulp of water, watching the dark-haired teen from the top of his bottle. There was that judgmental look - a bit confused, but overall exasperated with Rin’s best efforts. He brought the water bottle down, allowing himself a half-smirk. “You’re staring.”

This statement took Haruka completely off-guard. His gaze narrowed, and he looked away. “No, I’m not.” He changed the direction of where he was staring, mouth drawn in a thin line. Rin suddenly became self-aware, taking another hesitant drink from his water bottle in a quiet, reluctant agreement.

They stayed silent for longer than Rin would have liked, but he didn’t dare say anything else for fear of receiving another icy glare. Every few seconds he’d take a large swig of water, gulping louder than he meant to, finishing the bottle before he wanted to. Haruka took small, deliberate sips, keeping his eyes locked on anywhere but Rin.

“Why are you here today?” Haruka finally asked, catching Rin off-guard. He ran a hand through his red hair, fingers catching on a knot. He tried to be discreet, to not allow Haruka to notice his obvious distress.

That worked about as well as expected. Haruka looked over again, and Rin could tell that he was just a bit amused by the other’s discomfort. But Haruka didn’t smile; he just watched Rin until the redhead finally opened his mouth to speak. “Visiting a friend. He had shoulder surgery earlier.”

“Is he alright?”

“He will be, yeah.”

This seemed to pacify Haruka. He nodded, taking another tiny drink of water; Rin desperately wished for another bottle of water to occupy his hands with, but he realized he didn’t have enough change to purchase one with. He stood, perhaps a bit awkwardly, meaninglessly, idly glancing around. “Who are you visiting?” He didn’t want to ask, of course not, but he couldn’t suffer through the silence for a moment longer.

“A friend.”

“Is he alright?”

Haruka mulled over this for a very long time before he shook his head, eyes glassy with what couldn’t have been unshed tears. He said nothing, and Rin didn’t want him to at that point. He felt a little cold, yet his face seemed to be burning with embarrassment. Never had Rin thought that this would be the reason Haruka so faithfully visited the hospital. A friend. The redhead opened his mouth to speak, yet he found that he didn’t trust himself enough to say a single word.

To his credit, Haruka seemed strangely calm. His eyes had regained a mostly normal look, save for the dark circles surrounding them. “Sorry. I should probably go.” He turned to leave, and Rin almost threw his arm out to stop him. He refrained, of course, because he had no reason to keep Haruka from retreating.

There was no further “goodbye,” no lingering gaze, not even an attempt at a smile - Haruka simply left, turning down another hallway. His strides were long, if not a bit loose.

The two things Rin was certain of were that this Haruka desperately required more than four hours of sleep and that his shoes simply existed to mock Rin.

**: free :**

Rin didn’t go to the hospital again; Sousuke’s shoulder had healed tremendously, as far as the doctors were concerned. The physical therapy had been painful, as all physical therapies were, but the young man was strong and resolute and had surpassed all expectations. He’d still have to be careful, always would have to be; there were no guarantees that his shoulder wouldn’t fail again - Sousuke simply had a greater chance that it wouldn’t.

But because he no longer had to worry about Sousuke, Rin had rewarded himself a trip to the pool. Unfortunately, he could only squeeze in the time to visit Iwatobi’s public pool; nevertheless, it was a pool, despite its smaller size; and the redhead soon found himself completing multiple laps. Considering his sprained wrist and his sacrificing time to help Sousuke recover, he’d lost out on too much practice time.

Pausing to allow himself a few moments to catch his breath, Rin turned his head when he heard the door creak open. He nearly choked on the water around him.

Haruka’s surprised eyes mimicked Rin’s. The ebony-haired teen seemed to consider turning on his heels and walking out, but that would be much too conspicuous. Instead, he simply made his way toward the other side of the pool, lowering himself into the slightly frigid water.

It was then that Rin remembered just where he knew Haruka from.

“You swim!” he exclaimed, perhaps too excitedly, because Haruka nearly jumped at Rin’s voice. Haruka nodded slowly, and Rin slapped the water in celebration of his own intelligence. “I knew I knew you from somewhere! I swam against you, and you won every time.” He had been upset as a child, knowing that he lost to a boy with dead eyes that didn’t seem to care one bit that he swam faster than every other would-be prodigy; now, though, staring at this same boy with the exact same eyes that just felt electric when he stared at them for too long, Rin couldn’t find it in himself to care.

The other teen said nothing. He stared down into the water before stretching his arms; his muscles pulled as he straightened his body, and Rin could trace the outlines of the tight features if he stared long enough.

Not that he was. Not at all.

“So, you wanna race now?” Rin asked it suddenly, without thinking about it. In just a few short days, he felt out of practice, and he knew that Haruka had been (maybe still was) the best swimmer in Iwatobi; he put Rin’s hard hours and sacrificed time to shame with each new record and medal. It only made sense that Rin would ask to swim with Haruka.

What was unexpected was how quickly Haruka shook his head. “No, thanks,” he replied in that quiet, breathy voice of his. He didn’t appear to have even considered Rin’s albeit hasty offer; but it wouldn’t have hurt the black-haired teen to accept it.

To his credit, Rin didn’t push the issue. He could tell that Haruka’s mind was elsewhere, far away, perhaps still at the hospital where his friend might be. “That’s fine,” Rin lied, flashing his usual toothy grin. Almost laughing when Haruka’s eyes widened considerably at the sheer number of teeth that Rin sported, the swimmer took a deep breath, submerging himself in the water for a few seconds to wet his hair. While under the water, he tried to steady his fast-beating heart; it was odd, how a simply blue pair of eyes managed to unerve Rin so badly.

In a way, he wanted to race Haru just to impress him. Perhaps he was still jaded about their first meeting, where he couldn’t even conjugate a sentence without stammering.

Rin came back up for air, hardly out of breath; he tried to untangle his burgundy locks that seemed entirely more purple once he’d soaked them. He wanted to look somewhat cool, to make Haruka’s heartbeat quicken much like he’d done to Rin. Unfortunately, he only seemed like a fool, trying to comb his fingers through knots of hair that required a slight trimming.

Their eyes met, and Rin held Haruka’s gaze far longer than he planned to. More than the shocking amusement swimming in those sapphire eyes, there still lived that underlying and permanent sadness. Rin couldn’t quite place it, but he knew that he’d never be able to know Haruka in an intimate, personal sense and be able to stare into his eyes for very long without falling apart.

Haruka was the first to look away, as Rin suspected. He blinked, then turned his head to the side. Rin nearly chuckled at the way he looked everywhere but Rin. Rin knew he was being too invasive, but that was his personality. He butted into conversations that no one wanted him to meddle into, and he liked to fix problems that didn’t pertain to him.

He wanted to fix this - whatever it was.

Lips parting, Rin almost asked something else; Haruka stopped him by finally wading beside him. “One race.”

Once again baring his teeth into a ridiculous smile, Rin nodded. The two readied themselves at the edge of the pool. Neither were wearing goggles, because Haruka had been planning a leisurely visit, and Rin had simply left them by his bag; but Rin assumed they were both experienced enough swimmers to survive without the eyewear.

In an unspoken understanding that Rin would never understand, still couldn’t, they knew when to start swimming without having to prompt each other. Rin pushed off the concrete side, chest nearly bursting with enthusiasm. For once, he didn’t care about winning. He needed this swim, assumed Haruka did as well. Arms cutting into the water, breathing spaced out and steadied, legs even and strong - this was the form that Rin had been told he’d perfected. He still doubted himself, of course; he’d never reach a level of prowess that he’d accept from himself.

But he was better than he used to be.

Rin kicked off the other edge of the pool, propelling himself closer to the finish. It didn’t matter how far ahead of him Haruka was; he wasn’t watching.

Hand slapping the wall, Rin inhaled deeply. He was out of breath, wishing that he had timed himself. He felt exhilarated, finally looking over to see how Haruka finished.

He was standing, glancing behind him, then at Rin. His breathing was labored, yet he swallowed and almost smiled. “It’s been a while since I’ve gone swimming,” he admitted, shaking his head, droplets of water flying in various directions. Haruka exhaled as Rin took in another breath. “You’re fast.”

“I wasn’t paying attention,” Rin responded, not sure what he was staring at. Forever, maybe.

“Neither was I.”

Rin smiled, showing only a bit of teeth this time. His gaze softened, he relaxed, and he knew why his heart was beating so quickly earlier. It was the way Haruka looked at him, through him, around him, at everything. The way he flipped his silky black hair when it was too in his face. The color of his eyes, the way they narrowed and widened and felt and sympathized and reflected the sky and the ocean and every forest’s best-hidden stream. If Rin knew him better, and if Haruka would allow him to, he’d make sure the purple circles under his eyes were gone, disappeared, forgotten.

But this was only their third meeting, and Rin wasn’t going to allow himself to fall for someone who needed to be fixed. Not so quickly and not so fully.

“You won,” Haruka mentioned, his voice just a little far away.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Standing there, bodies finally regaining breath and strength, Rin and Haruka both knew there was something more to this than just a race. Haruka knew that he had wanted to win that race just a little, just to hold something over this guy whose name he had never bothered to ask for.

If this was a different time, he might have nonchalantly asked. As it was, he couldn’t, and Haruka suddenly knew he had overstepped acquaintance territory. Now self-aware, he straightened, pushing off the edge that separated the ground and the pool, the security and the danger, and lifted himself out of the water.

He was too abrupt, because Rin snapped out of whatever reverie he was in. “What is it?” he asked, concern dripping in every word. Haruka grabbed his towel, not bothering to actually use it yet.

“Nothing. I have to go. Thanks for the swim.” He started to walk away, because he couldn’t stay any longer. He couldn’t allow himself to stay any longer. Something might become real if he stayed any longer.

In an act of pure desperation, for he couldn’t bare not seeing Haruka ever again, Rin called out, “My name’s Rin Matsuoka! I go to college here!” It was a stupid statement, one that rivaled his declaration of his favor of Haruka’s unattractive shoes; but it was out in the open. Haruka stopped, hand wavering above the door handle. He could leave now, pretend he never heard what…what Rin said.

“I’m Haruka.”

That was all he gave, simply a first name. It was enough to pacify the tension building in the humid air, but it was still highly professional and not at all familiar. It couldn’t be familiar, not -

Not ever.

Without a glance over his shoulder, because Haruka wasn’t sure that he’d ever leave if he actually looked Rin in the eyes, he left, glad he did because he could still make-pretend until he couldn’t.

**: free :**

He let sleeping dogs lie for a few more days. It would have been a stalker-like thing to try to track Haruka down the day after their race. Rin allowed himself to be occupied by swim practice, by his sister’s impending graduation, and by Sousuke’s recovery. His shoulder was still healing, and there were times that the taller teen had to stop whatever he was doing to simply overcome a fresh wave of pain.

Rin felt awful during those times. He couldn’t imagine being the one to undergo such pain, but he also knew that it was separately if not equally hard watching someone agonize. Wanting to reach out a hand to help but stopping because he didn’t know what to do seemed entirely more difficult than rubbing his own shoulder free of a pulsating hurt.

Not that he was undermining Sousuke’s discomfort. Rin knew very well the extent of the rehabilitation that his best friend had already endured and still faced ahead. It was just odd, being so close yet so unable to help.

Gou was a much greater assistance to Sousuke. She was gentle, yet firm, motherly. Her eyes calmed the red hot pain that danced inside Sousuke’s shoulder. With every smile, every tender touch, every pretty and soothing word, he recovered just a little bit more, and she gained another piece of his heart.

Rin could see it a mile away. The way her hands lingered, the way her gaze never left the former swimmer, the way he watched her when she was busying herself with something else. They were falling for each other, fast and suddenly. Of course, Gou denied it as soon as her older brother mentioned the notion. She sputtered a few excuses, claimed that her caring for Sousuke was simply future training for her career choice - if she wanted to be a nurse, she had to be comfortable with her patients.

Agreeing with her, Rin still pointed out that that didn’t mean she felt nothing for Sousuke. And he certainly cared for her in return. He’d always been protective of her, of both of them, but it had erupted full-force this past year in such an intensity that Rin was doubtless of his best friend’s intentions with his younger sister. But Sousuke was honorable and hadn’t acted on any of his emotions. Yet.

Eventually, Gou smiled in a shy way, the way that a child does when she gets caught doing something she ought not to be. “Do you think so?” she asked, all girlish wonder and giggles, and Rin had to stop himself from groaning in response. He simply nodded, and her face lit up. “Should I say something to him?”

With a shake of the head, Rin explained, “Nah, let him come to you. Trust me; he will.”

She was pleased with this answer, and they diverted the conversation to a different topic. “You’ll be graduating in two months, Gou,” Rin groaned, running a hand through his hair. “You’re making me old.”

This elicited a laugh from the younger girl. “You’re only a year ahead of me. Besides, I’ll just be in Tokyo. I can still visit every now and again.”

“Yeah, but you won’t be home,” he pointed out, and he noticed the expression change on his sister’s face. “I’m not guilting you, by the way,” he added quickly, before she could even start to feel badly. “I’m glad you’re going to a good university.”

They sat quietly after that, while she still thought about college and Sousuke and her future, perhaps their future. “Things can change so quickly.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the class above me, they graduated last year. And the nicest guy from that class, he’s been in and out of the hospital for the past few weeks.” She kept her eyes downcast on the floor, interested in the swirling designs of the hardwood. Rin cocked an eyebrow, feeling very sorry for whoever this was. “I don’t know everything, but Hana said he might be dying.”

That managed to bring down the mood. Rin nodded very slowly. He hated thinking about these sorts of things. Death was a topic he’d rather not dwell on for very long. If there was any comfort in death, it was that his own father died quickly and that no one had known about it until he was irrevocably gone. But a hospital-sick kind of death was the worst kind. It was inevitable, it hung over heads, it permeated the thoughts of everyone involved.

“I feel awful for his boyfriend. They’ve been best friends since they were kids.” Gou smiled a bit. “I mean, Haruka doesn’t talk much, so Makoto would always talk for him.”

Rin snapped his head up so quickly that he was certain he pulled a muscle. “Haruka?”

Furrowing her brow in confusion over her brother’s sudden interest, Gou answered slowly, “Yeah. Haruka Nanase. He used to swim, but there was never a swim club for him to join at school. You swam against him a few times, didn’t you?”

Suddenly, it all made sense. Haruka was always at the hospital for Makoto, he had tired eyes because of Makoto, Makoto was the one who told him he needed to take a nap, and Makoto was the one who probably told him to take a break and go for a swim.

The word “boyfriend” seared itself into Rin’s mind. Haruka had a boyfriend, one he was committed to. He had a very sick boyfriend, and Rin felt a bit ill himself.

“Are you alright?” Gou asked. “Rin?”

“Yeah, I used to swim with him.”

Not yet convinced that Rin was alright or well or even fine, Gou added, “Makoto used to swim, too. He and Haruka were on the same relay team. Even as kids, I guess they always hung out together. It’s just really sad.”

“It is.”

He didn’t tell Gou for fear of her dissuading him, but Rin determined that he had to visit, at least once. He had to see this Makoto for some obscure reason. In a way, Rin wondered to himself if it was because he wanted to know if this guy was even worth Haruka’s anguish. But another part of him wanted to pay his respects, swimmer to swimmer.

Rin waited until the next day to visit. If he got lucky, Makoto may have been sent home for an undetermined amount of time, and Rin would avoid seeing him altogether. But it not, he mentally prepared himself. He would say that he remembered him from when they were kids, and that Gou went to school with them and that she really admired him, and that he was very sorry, and ‘have a great rest of the day.’

Again, Rin reminded himself that people don’t give comfort very well.

The receptionist was the same one from a few weeks ago; she didn’t seem to remember Rin, which struck the swimmer as odd, due to his outrageous hair color alone. Hardly anyone owned as bright hair as his sister and he did. He assumed he’d at least be remembered for that, if nothing else.

When Rin gave her Makoto’s name (his surname was “Tachibana, Gou had said earlier), she directed him down a corridor. "Turn left, and his name should be beside the door.” She flashed him a quick smile, a forced one, a robotic one, and returned to her computer. Rin thanked her quickly, following her guiding. Sure enough, the door was there, and his name was beside it, and it was open. Rin took this as a good sign and walked in as confidently as possible.

The first face he saw was Haruka’s. He was wearing a shocked expression, blue eyes almost instantly narrowing. “Rin,” he said very quietly, almost dangerously. The next person Rin noticed was most likely Makoto. He was tall, even while sitting up in a bed, and the redhead could see the bygone remants of a natural tan on his somewhat paler skin. Makoto looked pleasant, because he smiled despite his not knowing who Rin even was.

“Hello,” Makoto greeted, far more hospitable than Haruka had been. “Can we help you? I mean, I’m getting that Haru already knows you, so…hi!”

'Haru.’ Rin liked the nickname; it was far less formal than Haruka, and it was friendly and sweet. Catching his composure, Rin smiled back. “Hi, I’m Rin.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” Makoto started, already speaking as if he were a good friend catching up rather than a complete stranger, “do I know you? If you know just Haru, that’s fine, too, of course.” He was polite, almost to a fault, and Rin could feel his stomach turning with a strange sort of dread.

He cleared his throat. “Well, my sister’s Gou Matsuoka. I guess you used to go to school with her?”

Makoto’s expression brightened even more, if that was at all possible. “That makes sense! You two look a lot alike. She’s really sweet. It’s very nice of you to visit, thank you.” He paused, looking uneasy about something, and Rin worried that he might die right then and there. “Not to be rude, but how do you know Haru?”

Haruka looked over, arms folded across his chest. “I met him in the waiting room.”

“Did you?”

“Mmmm.”

Nodding, Makoto added, “Were you visiting someone?” His green eyes sparkled with curiosity, and Rin couldn’t keep himself from detesting his situation already.

“One time, I was visiting. The other time I had a sprained wrist.”

Makoto made a sympathetic face at the “sprained wrist” comment. “Ouch. I did that once; I cried for about an hour.” He laughed that off, reminding Rin of the woman from the waiting room that first time, the one crying as she talked into her cell phone; a sprained wrist would have been a blessing to her.

A sprained wrist would probably be a blessing to Makoto.

“I’m sorry! Um, my name’s Makoto Tachibana. It’s really nice to meet you, Rin.” And the tragic part was that Makoto probably meant it. He seemed so sweet, so kind, and so passive, and he was sitting in a hospital bed looking about as spent as Haruka did.

“Same here. Listen, did you swim when you were younger?” His brevity was because Rin had to make sure, to know that he actually had an inkling of who this person was, aside from this all smiles and emerald eyes character.

Makoto nodded as soon as Rin finished the question. “Yeah, Haru and I were on the same swim team! He pretty much taught me the basics, and the coach worked on everything after that. Truth be told, I used to be terrified of swimming. And water in general.”

Actually snorting at this, Rin glanced over at Haruka, who hadn’t moved his glare from Rin. He wasn’t sitting in the chair beside Makoto’s bed, just standing, arms still crossed, eyes still icy. Makoto didn’t seem to notice, or he was ignoring it; he was just trying to carry on a conversation.

“I was kind of unreasonable, which didn’t help when Haru couldn’t stand to be away from the water. You’d think we wouldn’t have been friends. But, well…”

“I don’t know. I’ve been swimming my whole life, you know? It’s kind of second nature. Haruka’s great, though, at swimming.” In an attempt to dissuade Haruka’s gaze, Rin tried to focus the attention onto him. It worked, because Haruka looked away toward the wall.

“You sound just like Haru.” Makoto laughed at his own statement, the edges of his eyes crinkling; and Rin imagined him as an old man, wrinkled from laughing so much, from smiling so freely, and it would be endearing and almost romantic, in a way. “Do you still swim? Competitively, I mean.”

“Yeah, sort of. I mean, I almost went to Australia to swim for a university there, but I figured I should stay home with my family. But, I figure, if I’m good enough, I’ll get noticed wherever.”

“See, Haru! That’s what I was telling you!” Makoto seemed very much pleased with Rin’s answer. “I told him he didn’t have to leave home to still race, but I guess I’m glad Haru didn’t leave. Right?”

Haruka hummed in response. He wasn’t paying attention, Rin could tell. Makoto could, too, because Rin noticed the way he let out a sad sort of breath, his eyes turning to the white sheets on his bed. “The sky’s a nice shade of purple, huh, Haru?”

“I guess.”

The answer hung in the air for a few moments before Makoto chuckled at his own mischief. His plaintive expression replaced itself with an amused one. Catching Rin’s eyes, Makoto winked. Rin smiled at that, a bit uncomfortably. He supposed he hated how nice Makoto was, because it would be even harder to dislike the way he made Haruka’s eyes look. But it was then that he realized that nearly every sentence Makoto had spoken had involved the word “Haru.”

_“Haru already knows you…”_

_“If you know just Haru, that’s fine…”_

_“How do you know Haru?”_

_“Haru and I were on the same swim team…”_

_“…which didn’t help when Haru couldn’t stand to be away from the water…”_

_“You sound just like Haru…”_

_“See, Haru!”_

_“I guess I’m glad Haru didn’t leave…”_

_“The sky’s a nice shade of purple, huh, Haru?”_

It was obvious; Makoto was absolutely devoted to Haruka, to talking about him, to him, smiling at him, understanding his every tic and quirk. They seem more like an old married couple than star-crossed teenagers. Frowning for just a moment, Rin determined to not fall any harder than he already had. He wouldn’t talk to Haruka anymore, if that’s what it would require; Makoto deserved at least that.

Not that Haruka could ever be swayed away; he may not have been paying attention, but Rin could plainly see that the former’s swimmers thoughts were still on the brunet with the thinning hair and the most in-love eyes.

“I just wanted to let you know, that, um, I’m thinking of you.” He wanted to tell Makoto that he hoped he’d recover soon, but Rin didn’t feel as if he was qualified or friendly enough with the pair to say such a thing. Of course he wanted Makoto to get better, even just for Haruka’s sake. But even Haruka had said he wasn’t fine.

“Thanks so much! You should come by again, but maybe under different circumstances?”

Offering a very light smile, Rin agreed. “Definitely.”

“Hopefully somewhere else, right?” Makoto laughed it off, smiling despite what everyone might have been thinking. There may never be different circumstances; Makoto may leave the hospital, but he’ll probably come straight back.

Rin turned to leave, waving weakly.

He was already out the door before he remembered that he had no clue what Makoto was even sick with.

**: free :**

It was cancer. Of course it was cancer. It always was, wasn’t it? Gastric cancer, to be exact.

Rin swallowed thickly as Haruka spoke slowly, perhaps a bit laboriously. “It’s, uh, it’s pretty bad.” He took in a shuddering breath, gripping his styrofoam cup of coffee. It wasn’t good for him, the drink, but Makoto suggested it because Haruka looked as if he were ready to pass out. He’d said it jokingly, smiling, but both he and Haruka and even Rin knew he was right.

Haruka was falling apart, and Makoto could do nothing about it.

“I’m so sorry.” It was all Rin could think of saying. He could have swung an arm over the ebony-haired boy’s shoulder, or even hugged him tightly. But they both were very well aware that that was not at all appropriate.

“I’m fine,” the other teen lied, taking a short sip of his drink. Rin watched him, eyes sweeping the shaking fingers holding the cup, the blue eyes swimming with fear and hurt and uncertainty, the way he swallowed louder than he had to, and Rin was sure he was trying to keep more than just coffee down.

He didn’t argue. If Haruka said he was fine, Rin pretended to believe him. “How long?”

“Has he had it, or he has?”

This was said quickly, with all the bitterness Rin didn’t know Haruka harbored. Clearing his throat, the swimmer tried to choose his words carefully. Instead, all he managed was an ignorant-sounding “Both.” He wanted to take it back as soon as he said it; he should have said something akin to how Makoto will be fine.

Instead he didn’t, and reality blanketed any hope that Haruka may have been clinging to. Finally, someone that wasn’t a family member made mention of it. Even Rin, who knew absolutely nothing about Makoto, knew that he was going to die.

“I’ve known for two months. I don’t know.” He closed his eyes, and stood. “I don’t know,” he said again, and this time, Rin could hear the way his voice caught.

Haruka did know, and he knew that it was soon.

“Has he had surgery, or…” Rin trailed off as soon as Haruka tipped his head as an answer. He hated talking about this, despised talking about the medical regimen of a dying man.

Makoto should be getting wasted at a college party and sneaking off with Haruka to find new hiding places, not undergoing surgery to make him more “comfortable.”

“Yeah, he had surgery about three weeks ago, and they started chemo right after that, so I don’t know what’s going to happen after that.” Haruka took another drink, a long one this time, allowing the lukewarm liquid to slowly slip down the back of his throat.

Rin didn’t smile, but he raised his chin a bit. “Hey, he still has-”

“The doctor said it could take a few weeks.”

They were, of course, referring to Makoto’s hair. Rin had noticed that it was a bit thin, but he assumed that was just the brunet’s normal hair texture. For example, Rin had thick burgundy hair that seemed to become sentient when it was humid outside. Haruka had shiny black hair that lay perfectly flat on his head. He had just assumed Makoto’s hair was thinning; plenty of young people naturally bald early.

“Sorry.” Rin had finished his coffee already, and he mentally chided himself for his refusal to learn from the last time he finished his drink before Haruka. It made for tense, awkward conversation. “Sometimes, they don’t even lose their hair, right?”

Sapphire eyes flicked upward. “They?” He said it calmly, evenly, with a bite that made Rin very cold.

Rin paused, inhaling sharply. He couldn’t say anything right today, it seemed. Mulling over the words carefully, he responded, “I just meant cancer patients, that’s all. I don’t know much about it, but Gou wants to be a nurse, so she tells me random facts.”

“Yeah, sorry.” Haruka sighed, running a hand through his hair. He looked so tired, so exhausted, so overwhelmingly spent by this whole conversation. Yes, he was being sensitive and defensive, but Rin didn’t blame him a bit. He’d been the same way right after his father had passed away. Detesting comfort and words of encouragement, shirking off understanding - Rin could relate, but he didn’t dare say it. “I’m just-”

“-Tired.”

“Yeah.”

If he were a year younger, more impulsive, less sympathetic, Rin would have simply told Haruka to take a nap, to stop unloading his frustrations on someone who was just trying to help. But he’d matured in the last year, and the swimmer inclined his head. “You’re really brave.”

Haruka shook his head but didn’t vocalize his disagreement; Rin let him, keeping silent. But he meant it; and in a way, he knew Haruka agreed with him, just a bit. He wouldn’t say as much, though - it would be a prideful thing to do, to allow himself to become a martyr when Makoto was the one sick and suffering. The ebony-haired teen almost smiled, Rin could tell, but he stopped himself, checking his phone to look at the time.

“I should go, probably,” he said, picking up his cup of coffee that wasn’t yet empty, and Rin knew he wouldn’t finish it. He was leaving to go see Makoto again, to assure himself that the brunet didn’t need anything, that he was comfortable, that Haruka was still completely enamored with and dedicated to him.

Rin looked at his phone as well, fishing it out of his pocket and realizing that he had nothing else planned for the day. “Hey, uh, do you want my number, just in case you want to talk?” He meant it to be platonic, but Haruka glanced away.

“I’m good, thanks.”

The rejection stung more than it should have; Rin had simply offered as a friend, he hadn’t had any ulterior motives, and Haruka still declined that.

Haruka had one person in his life, one person that could fulfill the role of both friend and lover. Rin wasn’t sure how much longer that could work; he smiled, putting his phone back into his pocket.

“Alright; just tell me if you ever want to talk.”

“I will.”

He won’t, Rin thought to himself.

**: free :**

Makoto looked good today, or as good as he could have looked. He was still smiling, which ruined Rin’s desired perspective of him. He wanted to dislike Makoto, because someone who might be dying should not be this kind or friendly. But he was, and Rin found himself surprised, because he wasn’t sure he could be a fragment as peaceful Makoto was.

The brunet - it was becoming increasingly harder to recognize his natural hair color, looked a bit worn. But he was at home now, therapy done for at least a while. His parents were in the living room, depressingly alert to anything their son might need. The twins, the younger siblings that Rin hadn’t even known about until today, were at a friend’s house, either eating lunch or making a craft or doing whatever it was that children from an actual angelic family busied themselves with.

The Tachibanas were wonderful people. Makoto’s mother was gentle, with a smile that Makoto inherited. She cooked amazing food, something that her son apparently did not pick up from her. Mr. Tachibana was a bit nervous, a bit much, but he was pleasant. And Makoto was Makoto.

He was all the good of the world, and he was being ripped away from it.

Makoto had invited Rin over because Haruka had a cold and refused to be near Makoto if he were even slightly under the weather. Rin supposed that that was responsible, considering the brunet’s immune system was more vulnerable than usual.

What was confusing was how Makoto had even found Rin’s number. Or so the redhead had thought. Apparently, Makoto and Gou knew each other on a semi-friendly basis, had exchanged phone numbers at some point, and she had easily given away her brother’s information once asked. Makoto did specify to Rin, of course, that he didn’t have to come over, not at all, if he didn’t want to.

Makoto did add, however, with all the pathetic sweetness imaginable, that he was trying to be more social, and that 'Haru’ really seemed to think him a good friend, and maybe they could be, too.

It was apparent that Rin had been guilted by those sugary words. He wasn’t sure why Makoto had asked him over in the first place. They hardly knew each other, except for the common link in Haruka. But Haruka wasn’t here; he was home, sick.

“I wanted to get to know you better. Haru mentioned you, and he doesn’t usually talk about people. So, I figured you must be someone worth knowing.” He smiled, idly fumbling with a handheld game that had been lying on the bedside table. The two were sitting on Makoto’s bed, Rin perhaps a bit more formally.

“I don’t know why he did. We just swam once.”

To that, Makoto’s eyes widened. “Really?” His face bright, he turned to Rin. “You mean that Haru actually went swimming? And he swam with someone?” He laughed, looking very relieved.

Rin only nodded, a bit shocked with the brunet’s reaction. “He doesn’t, anymore?”

“In high school, sure, but he hasn’t swam in two whole months. I was really starting to get worried about him.”

Two months. As long as he’d known how long Makoto was sick. Swallowing, Rin glanced around the room. There were a few scattered medals, two trophies, and even a plaque for some community work. The walls were fairly bare, except for family photos peppered everywhere. A frame, with a picture of Makoto and Haruka. Makoto was smiling, eyes closed, and a little embarrassing; and Haruka was barely smiing. But they looked happy, and similar to how they looked now.

“Gou said you two were dating. How long have you guys been together?” He asked it when he shouldn’t have, but curiosity was gnawing at the redhead. He wouldn’t have been mad if Makoto had chosen not to answer.

But that wasn’t Makoto’s nature. “About eight months. But we’ve been together pretty much our whole lives. So, I’d say about eleven years,” he finished, chuckling at his own statement. Rin followed in suit, because that seemed fairly accurate, by Gou’s description.

“That’s a long time…”

“It is, but, it doesn’t feel long enough, right? I mean, I’ll always have regrets, like I should have said something sooner, or I shouldn’t have tried dating Kisumi for a week-”

“You dated Kisumi for a week? I dated a Kisumi for a week! Pink hair, purple eyes?”

“The same one!”

They both laughed about their experiences, Makoto recounting Haruka’s extreme jealousy and refusal to talk to his best friend for a whole month afterwards; and Rin reenacting the way Kisumi managed to tick off the entire swim team so badly that he was banned from ever attending another practice.

“That’s funny,” Makoto commented, stopping, then smiling again. Rin looked over, a bit concerned. “Just a bit nauseated for a second. Side effects, I think.”

Biting his lip, the swimmer chose not to say anything. His mood was already ruined, not because Makoto meant to tarnish it, but it was still effectively dampened. Makoto glanced over at his phone, smiling a bit deviously. “I have an idea,” he muttered, picking up the cellular device. He woke up the screen, choosing an app.

“What are you doing?” Rin asked, quirking an eyebrow and looking over. Makoto answered by holding the phone up, and Rin finally saw that it was simply a camera app. “Why are we taking a picture?”

“Bugging Haru.”

Finally understanding, Rin grinned, throwing an arm around Makoto’s shoulders. He noted how broad they were, how strong Makoto normally was. The two smiled (or Rin did; Makoto made a shocked expression). Once the picture snapped, Makoto scrolled through his contacts, clicking on Haruka’s name.

Merely two minutes later, Makoto’s phone began to buzz. The brunet laughed, loudly, and even Rin couldn’t help but feel amused. Trying to stave off his near-giggles, Makoto answered with a chipper, “Haru! How’re you feeling?” He paused, still wearing that goofy expression of his. “Yeah, I invited him over. I wanted a friend. Yeah, we’re best friends now, actually.” He waited a bit longer, most likely listening to Haruka’s side argument. “I’m not sorry; it’s funny.” A beat of silence. “Oh, it was a good picture, you know that! I might frame it.” He laughed again. “Because he’s my new best friend.” Then, he frowned. “Well, not my best friend.”

Rin didn’t feel like listening, didn’t want to eavesdrop into a couple’s conversation. Still, he coudln’t help it; he was right there.

“So, how’s your cold?” Haruka must have answered, because he nodded. “That’s good, then. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Makoto grinned. “Can’t wait. Hey, Haru, I heard you went swimming the other day. I’m glad.” His expression was different now, more thoughtful, pensive. “I’m really glad you did.” Makoto stretched a bit, back popping. “I love you, Haru.” His smile widened; Haruka must have said it back. “Rin says 'Bye.’ Alright, I’ll talk to you tomorrow! Bye.” As soon as he looked up, Makoto flushed red.

“You heard all that…”

“So precious,” Rin mocked, voice high and hands clasped together. “Like baby angels.”

Makoto ducked his head low, ears crimson. “Sorry about that…”

“Why?

"I don’t know -it’s weird just throwing out your relationship to everyone. It’s like bragging, and I’m not trying to.” He cleared his throat, trying to work his words out carefully; Rin felt like laughing because Makoto was so considerate.

He felt like crying because Makoto was so considerate.

“It’s just - I’m happy, so I want to say so. Is that okay?”

Head cocked in question, the redhead shrugged. “I don’t know why you’re asking me. If you think so, then it is.”

“You think so?” Face brightening, Makoto nodded. “Thanks, Rin. It’s alright to call you that, right? I mean, I don’t know you that well, but I figured we could be friends, if that’s alright with you.” He was nervous, twiddling his thumbs.

Without consideration, Rin agreed. He couldn’t tell why, because he normally wasn’t very good friends with people like Makoto - overly nice people, the ones who pepper their speech with apologies and compliments.

The ones that were dying.

He shook the last thought from his head, sharing a smile with the teen who may or may not be fading fast, the guy who had an incredibly adorable boyfriend who swam fast and almost freely.

**: free :**

He hated himself the moment he did it.

Makoto was in the hospital again, this time pretty sick. Chemotherapy and radiation certainly took their toll on his body; his immune system had been compromised, and the doctors were certain that an aggressive virus was not going to be the thing that killed him. But he was safer in a sterile, equipped sort of environment than at home.

Haruka was there, too, all blue eyes and concealed yawns. He hadn’t called Rin; Makoto had.

Over the phone, Rin could almost imagine those verdant eyes concerned and caring; he wanted someone with Haruka, someone other than his parents. Makoto had asked this because Rin was a mutual friend, and because the former wasn’t going to be very entertaining. And Haruka refused to leave.

Rin agreed quickly, occupying hardly any time in readying himself. He had jeans and a shirt, and that was fine. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone, and certainly not Haruka.

In the same way he hadn’t been steadily falling for the ebony-haired teen.

They had talked a few more times, over short text messages. It was, of course, on Makoto’s insistence, and Rin wasn’t sure why that bothered him so badly. But he and Haruka talked about random things, such as the clouds in the sky and the way that Haruka claimed that one looked suspiciously like a mackerel, and how purples and blues were nearly interchangeable under certain lights, and why Haruka didn’t swim competitively anymore and why Rin did, and -of course- their likes and dislikes.

Haruka enjoyed mackerel for dinner (and breakfast and lunch), drawing as a hobby, shades of blue (but only certain kinds, including but not limited to the kinds that could pass as purples), water, fishing while wearing baseball caps, and converse shoes. He didn’t like studying, or terribly loud people, or Kisumi in general (Rin had to laugh at that, refusing to explain why he “lol"ed so suddenly).

In turn, Rin divulged that he was a fan of many colors, but he was partial to red and occasionally forest green. He liked food but watched his diet for swimming purposes, big jackets, and comfortable pilows. He disliked the winter, and needles, and stubbing his toes on dressers.

It was easy to talk to Haruka, threateningly so. Rin lost track of time easily, and he knew Haruka did the same because their conversations would end abruptly and with a quick cat emoji to lighten the mood. In a matter of days, the swimmer found himself losing sleep as he thought about Haruka and what Haruka was doing and how he was doing it.

It was unhealthy, especially when Haruka already had a boyfriend. Someone he was firmly tethered to. That didn’t change the fact that this young man with the shiny black hair and long fingers that brushed away his own fly-aways was the most interesting and altogether enticing part of Rin’s life. He was a guilty pleasure, someone Rin had to deny himself daily; in vain, he tried to keep himself from developing feelings.

And maybe he was being selfish, too. It would be entirely difficult to justify falling for another’s significant other, particularly when this "another” had cancer.

But Rin and Haruka were sitting outside, Haruka’s fingers tightening around the edges of his jacket. He appeared chilled, but the weather was good. Rin didn’t mention it. Watching wordlessly, he noticed the way Haruka stared into space, as if he wasn’t really there. Maybe he didn’t want to be.

Rin considered encouraging the young man next to him, but the words died on his tongue. He couldn’t think of anything intelligent, nothing that would actually do Haruka any good in the long-run. Instead, the redhead settled for leaning back, nearly toppling off the stone wall he was sitting on. He had forgotten there was no back to his makeshift bench, and Haruka restrained a snort.

It was quiet, nearly imperceivable, but still there. Haruka had laughed (at Rin’s expense, sure, but he still had).

Righting himself, Rin’s burgundy eyes shimmered with amusement. If he were bolder, he’d have stared into Haruka’s stunning sapphire ones. He wasn’t, naturally, and he looked away, neck burning with embarrassment. “Forgot where I was for a second,” he murmured, chuckling at his own clumsiness.

Haruka considered his words for no less than seven seconds. “I guess so.”

It was plain that the ebony-haired teen wasn’t one for speaking. Rin smirked, lips curving into something akin to a smile; he wanted Haruka to talk more, to indicate that this conversation wasn’t as one-sided as Rin was perceiving it to be. He didn’t say as much, for fear of losing whatever dialogue they were already sharing.

“Okay, next time you almost fall off a-” Rin glanced at the structure beneath him, “-a stone wall, I will laugh so hard I fall off right next to you.” He grinned when Haruka’s eyes grew wide with surprise. “I promise.”

There was no burst of giggles, no chorus of angels heralding Haruka’s enjoyment. But he did smile. An actual one, the kind that made Rin’s heart stop and start in the span of a millisecond. He gaped, trying not to be obvious but failing so incredibly hard. Fearing Haruka could see it too, Rin looked away, eyes trained on the blue sky above him.

Not as blue as his eyes.

“You won’t.”

“Don’t try me. I will specifically wait until you do.”

“Remind me not to sit next to you anymore.”

“Don’t sit next to me anymore.”

Haruka coughed into a laugh; he was attempting to be discreet, and Rin wasn’t fooled for a moment. He had been waiting, patiently and for what felt like forever.

“You laughed.”

“I didn’t.”

“You sort of did.”

Their faces were close, dangerously so. Haruka didn’t notice, or he might have been too tired to; Rin did. And he could have backed away, either slowly or rapidly (it didn’t matter, in hindsight), and he could have (should have) apologized profusely. Instead, he didn’t.

He leaned in.

And Haruka jolted backwards.

In his mind, Rin cursed. He swore and berated himself for being careless and thoughtless and self-centered; he pitied Makoto and sympathized for Haruka, because who was Rin to put such a kind of teen in that position? Externally, Rin just blinked, stunned by both himself and Haruka.

“I’m-” he began, finally finding the words he wanted to say, the words he’d never get to say to explain himself.

“Don’t.” Haruka stood, suddenly and rigidly. He had his face turned away from the redhead, and Rin wasn’t sure if he might have been blushing or crying. He was certain he didn’t want to know. “This was a mistake.”

“Haru, I-”

Blue eyes cut to Rin’s core, more electric than ocean. “Don’t call me that.” His voice was shaky, maybe out of fear and more likely out of guilt - guilt for Makoto. Rin felt the same sort of feeling, but for different reasons.

Makoto had been the one to contact Rin in the first place. He’d been the one to urge Haruka and Rin to become friends. He’d been the one that insisted that Haruka needed a friend in Rin. Rin had nearly kissed Haruka. And Makoto had been the one to breathe “Haru” so sweetly, like a special petname that was such clockwork to them but forbidden to anyone else.

There was no appropriate way to validate Rin’s actions. He’d acted insanely, impulsively; and Haruka was livid. The ebony-haired teen said nothing more, only ignored the pleading look Rin gave him.

He was gone in record timing, nearly jogging away from the wall. Sitting there still, Rin wondered why he had ever desired to become involved with those two. At least now he wouldn’t be. His life would get back to normal, and he’d soon be able to focus on swimming again. Just swimming.

It would be natural, and only a little lonely; but Rin was used to lonely.

**: free :**

It wasn’t Haruka’s ignoring Rin that really hurt. It was Makoto’s.

He had to have known; otherwise, he would have continued calling and texting Rin as often as he did. Rin wouldn’t have been surprised, and certainly not upset, if Haruka had divulged all that had happened between the two. Rin had been stupid, impetuous (as usual), and inconsiderate.

Makoto must have known.

Rin didn’t like thinking about the fact that perhaps the nicest guy in the entire world might have been angry with the idiot of a redhead. He wouldn’t have been shocked, but he didn’t like to ponder it.

Even so, without the additions of Makoto and Haruka into his daily routine, Rin fell back into his usual pattern. He woke up, and swam. Sometimes he talked to Gou. But mostly he swam. He was robotic once more, and the feeling was bittersweet. Good, in that Rin’s life was predictable again, and he didn’t have a friend that was dying and a friend that was so indescribably perfect that it pained Rin to not have him. Bad, in that he didn’t have two of the greatest friends that he had barely even met.

But it was impossible to place blame on anyone but himself. He shouldn’t have tried to kiss Haruka, and he shouldn’t have called him “Haru.” Rin wished he hadn’t.

He also knew he would’ve at some other point, if not then.

Needless to say, Rin was surprised and more than apprehensive when his phone rang, and he knew it was from Makoto. Nervously, he answered, and even moreso he said, “Hey.”

“Hey, Rin! So, Haru and I were going to watch a movie at my house, and we wanted to know if you wanted to watch it with us. Do you?”

It had to be a trap. Rin could see no other reason for Makoto’s sudden invitation. Moreover, Haruka hated the swimmer for all he was worth; he couldn’t have wanted Makoto to call Rin.

Despite his reservations, Rin found himself agreeing. In a matter of twenty minutes he stood in front of the Tachibana residence, ringing the doorbell as gingerly as possible. Not that there really was a way to gingerly ring a doorbell. Perhaps the dinging was a tad more timid than usual. Rin hoped as much.

Ran answered the door. Her hair was long, and dark, and she had those eyes that all her family had. Large and sweet and unassuming and far more innocent than the world deserved. She grinned, her teeth a bit crooked, and swung the door open wider. “Living room,” she said simply, leaving as quickly as she had appeared.

For a few moments, Rin didn’t move, couldn’t force himself to. He was anxious, but unsure as to what. He knew he didn’t want to see Haruka, didn’t want to see distrust in the ebony-haired boy’s eyes. And he was certain he didn’t want to look at Makoto, either. Because Makoto might not have known, and he was simply busy and couldn’t find the time to talk to Rin.

Cancer did make one busy, after all.

But perhaps the taller teen really did know about it. Maybe he was that forgiving, or he wanted to face Rin, man to coward.

Whatever the reason, Rin was dreading the next few steps; but he took them, and Makoto greeted him with a warm smile.

He wasn’t quite a brunet anymore.

Haruka was sitting beside his boyfriend on the couch, not paying Rin any amount of attention. Instead, his eyes were trained to the person next to him. If Rin knew one thing, it was that his almost-kiss with Haruka hadn’t changed the latter’s feelings for Makoto any. He was still in love, wholly, as his gaze stayed.

“Glad you could come,” Makoto mentioned, motioning for Rin to sit down on the couch with them. It was a long couch, in order to accommodate the Tachibanas, no doubt. It would have been easy to sit beside Haruka, perhaps too hazardously so. With a stronger judgment than Rin thought himself to possess, he planted himself on the other side of Makoto.

“Me, too. How’ve you been?”

They all knew the answer. Fine, as fine as one could be when he’s wasting away.

“I’ve been great, thanks! Let’s see, Haru and I watched a movie yesterday, and then I watched a movie with the twins a few days before that. And I’ve watched a lot of movies by myself. And with my mom. She picks sad movies.”

Makoto’s week was great because he was with people. Rin’s was mediocre because he hadn’t bested his time during his butterfly stroke.

“So what are we watching now?”

For an answer, Makoto handed Rin the DVD case. It appeared to be a generic Sci-Fi movie, the kind with giant insects and a pretty female lead. Rin hated those sorts of movies, but he didn’t say as much. He nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

The movie was palatable, at best. Rin yawned more than once, praying silently that neither Makoto nor Haruka had noticed. He looked over, expecting one or both of them to be paying him a disapproving look. He received no such thing. Makoto’s arm was slung over the back of the couch, and Haruka was leaning into him slightly. They looked comfortable, like they were used to watching terrible movies together. Occasionally, the tallest teen would give a squeak of surprise or even jump a bit in his seat, and Haruka would smile fondly without even glancing over.

Once again, Rin was trespassing, and he figured this must have been Makoto’s punishment for nearly kissing his boyfriend.

Throughout the movie, Rin kept his chin rested on his arm. He wasn’t bored, per se, but he wasn’t entirely interested. At some points, he caught himself watching the couple beside him more than the movie. It wasn’t until Haruka looked over that they finally met each other’s eyes.

Haruka was quiet, as usual, and he hardly moved at all. Too scared to do anything but suffer through the movie (and shield his eyes at the appropriate times), Makoto hadn’t noticed. With a small shrug, Rin smiled, trying to convey some form of apology. Haruka watched him for a few long moments before he finally rolled his eyes; he settled deeper into the crook of Makoto’s arm, but he did smile back.

The unspoken agreement was there - they were never to speak about the what-was-almost-a-kiss.

After the movie was over, Rin stood, stretching. He couldn’t stand to be still for long amounts of time, and he was glad to finally have the liberty of moving around. Makoto and Haruka both eyed him; Makoto laughed nervously.

“That was scary…”

Haruka gave him an odd look before shaking his head. “You weren’t even watching it.”

“I was, too!”

“You were covering your eyes.”

To that, Makoto did not argue. He simply chuckled again, arm still on the back of the couch and Haruka still nestled beside him. They were staring at each other, their playful banter dying down. It only took Makoto a few seconds to regain his train of thought. “Do you guys want something to eat? Mom has plenty of stuff in the fridge.”

Would it be more polite to agree or decline? If Rin agreed, he would be validating the host’s request, but he would also be taking away from the Tachibana’s food. If he declined, he would do the opposite. “I’m kinda thirsty,” Rin finally managed.

Makoto nodded, glancing once more at Haruka. “Do you want anything, Haru?”

“Ma-”

“We don’t have mackerel for a snack. Stay for dinner, and Mom will make some.”

The ebony-haired teen relented. “I’ll just see what you have.”

The two walked toward the kitchen, but not before Makoto poked his head back into the room. “Do you want water, juice, coffee? Anything carbonated?”

“Water, thanks.”

A thumbs-up from Makoto, and Rin was left alone again. He glanced at the walls, littered with family pictures. Ren and Ran as red-faced babies, Makoto as a toddler with a shy smile and huge green eyes, and the family all together. That one was still a young picture, maybe only a year or so old. The family was sitting outside, Mr. Tachibana’s arm around his wife, the twins with their arms around their older brother who, standing, would be the tallest one in the family.

If they ever took another family picture, it’d be different, wouldn’t it?

Haruka walked in as Rin was musing, carrying a bottle of water. He handed it to Rin and seated himself back onto the couch. Following soon after, Makoto set down a bowl of potato chips and a few apples. “I know you swim, so you probably like to eat healthy stuff, so I brought both.”

“Thanks.” Rin took an apple, eyeing the chips. He wanted them, of course he wanted them; but he didn’t, because he worked hard and wasn’t going to let his swimmer’s physique break to a bag of saturated fats. Although, they were in a bowl, which wasn’t a bag.

No difference. As Rin nibbled his apple, deciding to eat it slowly so as to resist the temptation of the potato chips, Haruka grabbed a handful of them. He offered one to Makoto, who shook his head.

“I’m not hungry, thanks.” Makoto never was.

To be fair, Haruka didn’t argue. His eyes became sad, as they usually did whenever the used-to-be brunet refused a meal, but he didn’t say anything.

Rin remembered reading about stomach cancer shortly after he learned about Makoto’s illness. He spent over an hour searching the Internet about the stages, the treatment, the surgery, the grim prognosis.

He was no doctor, but he understood enough to know how bad it was.

It was typical that Makoto wasn’t hungry. His surgery had either taken part of his stomach (or maybe more - Rin had never actually asked, never would), and his appetite with it. Treatments made him nauseated, and food wouldn’t help an upset stomach. To this end, Makoto had effectively lost weight.

Not enough to make him gaunt, but enough to make it noticeable. But perhaps he looked so different because he had lost most of his muscle tone. His shoulders were still broad, would always be, but his arms had lost much of their finesse due to inactivity.

Saddened by Haruka’s expression alone, Rin finished his apple, standing up to find a garbage can to dispose of it in. Makoto jumped up nearly as quickly. “I can get that for you,” he offered, still welcoming and still helpful over an apple core.

“Nah, I’ve got it.”

“Are you sure?”

Normally, people like Makoto would have irritated Rin. Yes, he was sure. It was a piece of fruit - surely he could get rid of it himself. But the redhead had tried becoming more mature lately; he knew that it wasn’t Makoto’s kindness that would have offered himself as a doormat for anyone. It was the way he was coping. Makoto was naturally helpful, and he wasn’t going to stop being so because he was sick. To do that would admit that he was changing.

People like Makoto didn’t change, Rin decided then.

“I’m good, thanks.”

**: free :**

Somehow Haruka decided to forgive Rin. He never brought it up again, but he didn’t dwell on it, either. They talked more, mutually texted, and Haruka was no longer opposed to sitting beside Rin anymore. They were close to normalcy - not quite, but enough to be comfortable.

It was obvious that Makoto must have never known anything at all. He hadn’t even noticed that Rin and Haruka were having their own private trauma without him. As such, he didn’t react to Haruka’s opening back up to Rin. If anything, Makoto simply saw it as Haruka’s blossoming personality around people in general.

Rin didn’t tell him otherwise, and he prayed that Haruka did the same.

There was something to be noted, however. Haruka was comfortable next to Rin, almost as much as he was next to Makoto. The redhead assumed it was because there was finally someone who could share having a sick friend. Haruka was no longer alone, and he reveled in it. Not outwardly, and certainly not enough to be noticed by his boyfriend; and perhaps Rin was reading too much into it.

But he was definitely confident of that one time when Haruka’s shoulder accidentally bumped against Rin’s, and neither reacted.

Completely unrelated, they were walking in the park, having just ran a mile together (Rin soon realized that Haruka had perfect form but was one of the slowest runners he had ever acquainted himself with). The morning was pure, untouched, still innocent to the horrors that a day could bring forth. Sunshine sprinkled onto the ground, illuminating the concrete with the brightness of an early day.

Birds were just starting to wake, and Gou was probably still in bed, cashing in on her well-deserved sleep. It was a Saturday, after all, and she had plenty of things to mentally prepare herself for, such as graduation. It would be only a few weeks before she could officially consider herself free from high school. She was so excited, and Rin was dreading it.

Haruka kept a quick stride with Rin’s normal one. There was only an inch or two between the two of them, but Rin liked to walk quickly, and Haruka liked to walk slowly. Rin would have slowed down, had Haruka not sped up.

“It’s kind of cold this morning, huh?” Rin asked, wishing he had brought along a jacket. He hadn’t bothered to check the temperature, simply assumed that spring would allow for a man to go outside without a sweatshirt and not freeze to death.

Nodding, Haruka pulled his own jacket tighter around himself. He was bragging now, in his own silent way, and Rin mock glared at him. “I told you to bring one.”

“And I told you I’d be fine.”

“Are you?”

“Of course I am.”

Haruka snorted in response. “Sure, sure.” There was a smirk on his face, clear evidence that he was enjoying himself that morning. The crisp air seemed to revitalize the black-haired teen, and Haruka picked up his pace to match Rin’s.

Rin would slow down if Haruka asked him to. They both knew that.

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“I might be.”

Feigning indignation, Rin gasped. He was still smiling, grin spreading across his features, and he vaguely wondered if Haruka found his absurdly sharp teeth distracting. “I’m surprised at you.” He didn’t call Haruka by any given name; 'Haru’ was out of the question, and 'Haruka’ was far too formal for their relationship.

They were past acquaintances and shaky friendships. Rin wasn’t quite sure where they were at, how far they were on the “friendship” level, but he knew they had changed.

“You’re surprised?”

“I thought you believed me to be an honest guy. I guess I was wrong.”

They both laughed, Rin outwardly and perhaps a bit too obnoxiously for six in the morning, and Haruka softly as he tried to hide it behind his hand; but they were, and Haruka couldn’t take that back. He looked as if he didn’t want to.

“Thanks for coming out with me; Sousuke’s changed his whole routine, so I’m out a running buddy. That, and I think he wanted to see Gou this morning.”

“Oh?” Curious, Haruka glanced over, cheeks and nose tinted pink from the cool air. He hardly knew Sousuke, but he liked Gou well enough to care about her relationship status. Rin nodded.

“Yeah, they’ve gotten pretty close lately.”

“Are they-”

Cutting Haruka a protective older brother sort of glare, Rin answered, “Not yet. I just have something against couples getting together right before graduation. Like, don’t start dating seriously right before you enter such a huge part of your life.”

“Makoto and I did.”

“Well, you’re stupid, so it makes sense. You obviously seduced him.”

Haruka elbowed him in response. Chuckling as he pretended to nurse his stomach, Rin swatted at the former swimmer’s arm. “Where’s the lie?”

“Except he asked me out.”

Rin figured as much. It didn’t appear as if Haruka would ever make a move on anything, and Makoto had earlier said that he had pined after the ebony-haired teen for about forever.

It was nice to see Haruka talking freely, even joking (a bit at Makoto’s expense, a feat he would have never even considered a short while ago). In a way, however, it was as if they were referring to Makoto in a past-tense sort of way, reminiscing about him as if he were already gone.

Haruka made the connection as soon as Rin did, for his face paled significantly, his mouth returning to its normal passive position. Stopping, he balled his fists together, but he made no vocal expression of what he was thinking about. But Rin already knew.

“Hey, I’m sorry-” the redhead began.

“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He meant it, too. Haruka was so done, so tired of blaming others for this part of his life; he had chosen to stay with Makoto, couldn’t have imagined doing anything different. But he could no longer run from the fact that Makoto was sick, had been sick, was going to be sick until he died. At some point, perhaps sooner than later, Haruka was going to have to face the fact that he wouldn’t always have Makoto around. Those gentle green eyes would eventually become a fond memory, or a haunting pain. Inevitably, Makoto’s strong body would no longer wrap itself around Haruka’s. They wouldn’t laugh together, talk together, lie together, look at each other for what could have been forever.

Someday, Makoto simply wouldn’t.

The tears came unwanted and unbridled. One moment, Haruka was still wearing the remnants of a carefree smile that he shared with Rin, and the next he was shedding tears for his lifelong companion that he could never hope to stray from, despite every temptation that Rin’s entire being screamed at him to grab.

It wasn’t embarrassing to cry in the middle of a park; no, the park was near-abandoned. It was crying in front of Rin. Rin, who for all he was worth, couldn’t seem to decide the proper moment when and if to collect Haruka into his arms. He finally realized he couldn’t, not if he wanted to keep a clear conscience.

Rin just placed an unsure hand on Haruka’s shoulder, staring straight into crystal blue as they looked right back into ruby.

They connected on an entirely different level that day, one that confused Rin and frightened Haruka. No longer did Rin simply sympathize for his friend’s circumstance; he felt the pain, because he so dearly loved the young man suffering, breaking apart with every new day. And Haruka in turn knew that he couldn’t carry his hurt around by himself; he may have been able to close himself off to Makoto, who understood that he only had precious, fleeting time left and couldn’t waste it arguing with the most stubborn person - there was a man now, whose hand was simply lying on Haruka’s shoulder but was gripping onto his soul as tightly as possible for fear of letting his entire being shatter, a person who had stolen things very dear to Haruka and didn’t quite know how to return them.

And perhaps Rin didn’t want to, for he had taken two key aspects of Haruka’s life - his security, and his surety.

**: free :**

Rin wasn’t sure why Makoto only asked him to come over to his house. Haruka was well, not sick with a cold, and he was savoring every second he could have with his boyfriend. Naturally, the redhead was certain that he wasn’t going to enjoy this visit.

Makoto looked sure of himself, something he hadn’t in a very long time. He looked confident despite his thinner frame, and his lack of rich and chestnut hair; his eyes were tired, so exhausted, rimmed with dark circles. His cheeks were gaunt, though they had never been too full. In short, Makoto didn’t look great. But he appeared ready for something, and Rin wished it wasn’t anything permanent.

“How are you?” the former brunet asked, with all the sweetness he could muster; it was a simple cordiality, however - Makoto didn’t seem to care, not today. He was tired of asking questions; he wanted to be the one to talk, to say what he thought before he couldn’t have the chance to.

“I’m good, thanks.” Rin didn’t bother to ask how Makoto was doing. They both knew, could see it from the pallor of the young man’s face.

He was dying, but nothing new.

They didn’t speak for nearly a minute, Rin’s mind racing with possible scenarios. He’d found out, about Rin’s nearly kissing Haruka so long ago, and he must have been furious. Who wouldn’t be? Or perhaps Makoto had taken that run in the park as anything more than platonic. It was impossible to tell, with the way Makoto’s lips were drawn in a thin line.

When he finally did speak, Makoto looked sad. “Rin, I’m dying.” He said it so painfully plan, so finally, that Rin took in a sharp breath.

Opening his mouth to argue but finding that he couldn’t fight logic, Rin only watched.

“And I can’t - I can’t ask you to not like Haru.”

So it was about Haruka. In a way, Rin was relieved, because Makoto didn’t want to talk about friendship or cancer or death - he wanted to talk about a very important, very absent person. But Rin’s blood ran cold, because he assumed Rin liked Haruka.

He was right, of course.

“I mean, how couldn’t you? He’s great, right?” Makoto didn’t wait for Rin to answer before continuing. “He told me, about you two.”

“There’s nothing-”

“I know. He told me that you didn’t do anything. The day I was in the hospital, I guess you almost kissed him?” This was worded as a question but felt more like a painful accusation. “Haru said he didn’t, and maybe he did - I don’t know -” Rin shook his head furiously. “He didn’t.

"Anyway, he told me he didn’t-” Makoto paused for a long while, closing his eyes. Rin wondered if he was in pain, and he was, but not physical. When he opened his emerald eyes again, they were swimming in tears, “-but he thought about it. He told me as soon as it happened.

"I don’t want Haru to feel bad about wanting to kiss you. I’m almost gone, Rin. I want you to know that it’s okay, if somewhere down the road you two end up together.” A few teardrops ran down his shadowed face. “I can’t say I want you to, to be honest, but you make Haru’s face light up. You make him look alive, and all I’ve done lately is kill him.”

This time, Rin did protest. “You haven’t! You make him the happiest-”

“And I also make him the saddest. I’ve seen him cry when he thinks he’s alone. You know Haru doesn’t cry in front of people, but he cried in front of you, didn’t he? At the park? He’s never looked so tired in his life? I’ve made him tired.” It was getting more difficult for Makoto to be coherent, simply because he was trying so hard not to break down right there. Rin could feel it, too, the pinpricks wanting to invade his vision and make it blurry. He had always been an easy crier.

Taking a long, deep breath, Makoto continued, “Do you want to know the thing about cancer? Eventually, I won’t have it. When I’m gone, it’s gone. Haru’s always going to have it, because he’ll remember everything about me having it, and I’ve done that to him. And if I can leave him one good thing, one thing that makes him smile, and if that one thing’s you, then that’s okay.”

“Is it?” Rin asked this slowly, carefully, willing himself not to start sobbing.

Makoto shook his head. “No, it’s not. But I can’t leave him all alone. I need him to know that he’s allowed to be happy. Without me.”

He had always wanted to dislike the former brunet, to believe that all these kind and thoughtful actions were truly an insincere front - but Rin knew they weren’t, not when Makoto was shaking, attempting to keep himself together even as he forfeited the person he loved the most.

“Haru’s been fighting me for so long, Rin.”

“About what?”

“You.”

Rin blinked, and cried.

“He likes being around you. He swam with you. He hasn’t swam in so long, and he’ll never say it, but it’s my fault. I got sick, and he dropped everything to spend every second with me. I may not get an entire life with him, but he gave me that, and what else can I ask for?”

The redhead said nothing, wiping his eyes so that they had room to gather fresh tears.

“What else did I need?” Makoto smiled, distant and hollow. It was the sort of smile that indicated more sadness than anything. It was resigned and more than a little broken. “I mean, I’m not telling you to start dating at my funeral; feel free to wait a bit-” He laughed then, and Rin couldn’t seem to find the humor in that, “-but if he wants to, and if you want to, because I know you love him as much as I do, I’d be alright with that.”

This was far more than a concession. It was a blessing. And Rin couldn’t be sure if he would ever accept it, for he respected Haruka far too much to ever mention this conversation that was happening now, even if it was in a distant future. Makoto was many things, but he wasn’t bitter, nor was he reluctant. He was peaceful, but not necessarily about death. About Haruka.

“Just - just let me love him until I’m gone.” Makoto paused for a very long time then, the words tumbling out of his mouth as the tears rolled down his cheeks. “It’s all I’ve got left.” He didn’t mean that, not when he had his family to love him, to hold him - but Haruka was so much more than that to Makoto. He was a soulmate, one that would forever be separated by death. And Makoto was the once-in-a-lifetime sort of human that believed that people could have more than one soulmate, because people were connected by destiny and fateful encounters.

He was unaware that Rin’s fateful encounter was due to a sprained wrist and yellow shoes.

Rin nodded mutely, feeling too spent to say anything. He didn’t hug Makoto, knew that Makoto didn’t want a hug. They had been friends, of course, but only because of Haruka. Rin would have never sought out Makoto’s hospital room had it not been for the ebony-haired teen, and Makoto would have never called Rin that first time had Haruka not spent an excessive amount of time watching Rin. It was only logical that they should part now because of Haruka.

“I’m glad I met you, Rin. Because you’re brave, and I’ve needed that a lot lately. I’ve always been a coward, but Haru taught me not to be afraid of water, and you taught me not to be afraid for Haru. You’re not scared of him; you tell him whatever you’re thinking. You’ll - you’ll be good for him.” This smile was genuine, true, and radiant.

“He’ll be okay.”

**: free :**

Gou graduated, and Makoto died.

In all actuality, Gou’s graduation was the more outspoken of the events. She had been planning her future for months, and Rin cried, of course. He hugged her close to him, whispered into her ear that he was so proud of her; and she returned the embrace, being gracious enough to pretend to not be embarrassed by her older brother’s antics.

As soon as she finished hugging Rin, Gou ran into Sousuke’s arms. The dark-haired young man caught her and held her tighter than Rin had, resting his arms around her slim waist. Gou relaxed into Sousuke, laughing as he mumbled nothings into the top of her head.

They had a future ahead of them, Rin realized, and it was a surreal thing to watch, because his sister had been so true before. So much could change in a year.

A week later, Gou received a call from Hana, and she tearfully relayed the message to her brother.

Makoto had died.

It was a simple phrase, for a simple man. He had never asked for much, taken much, and he had given so much back. But Makoto would have never mentioned it, because he was much too good to point out injustices to himself. Even in death, Makoto could not parade himself, for he was humble to a fault.

Rin hated himself for crying more for his sister’s graduation than for Makoto. He had been plenty prepared for both, and he wasn’t surprised by either. Yet somehow, the redhead felt completely numb about the latter event.

But he hated himself more for not going immediately to Haruka. He couldn’t call, didn’t even try to. What the former swimmer needed was time, or so Rin had thought - because Rin had needed weeks to himself after his own father had died. He just assumed that Haruka wouldn’t want him around, at least not for a while. He should have busied himself with Makoto’s family, with his own, and not with Rin.

Naturally, Rin was wrong. His phone rang at an obscene hour, and it pulled and dragged the redhead from his sleep. He hadn’t been dreaming about anything, and certainly not of an already-fading pair of emerald somethings. His hand searched his bedside table for the offending mobile, finally grasping onto it.

Haruka was calling.

Immediately sobering, Rin answered, trying not to sound worried. “Haru-” He caught himself, “-ka?”

There was an odd gasping noise on the other end, and then Haruka all but whispered a broken, “He’s gone.” He sobbed again, and Rin sat up, already throwing his covers off his body. He was standing even as the blue-eyed teen repeated himself, even quieter.

Rin shushed him, neither agreeing with him nor telling him that it was okay or that it was going to be. He balanced his phone between his shoulder and his ear as he struggled to slip on his jacket.

“And-and you’re weren’t there.” Haruka sounded distant, frightened, distraught - nothing like he usually did, and Rin was out of his bedroom, hustling toward his front door. He wrestled with each shoe, his blood freezing as guilt strangled his very being.

“I’m coming over there right now, promise. Do you want me to keep talking to you?” The only current comfort was that Haruka wasn’t rash or stupid; he wasn’t going to do anything life-threatening. Haruka was panicking, something just as scary.

“Why?” Haruka coughed, then hiccupped. “I’m-” he broke himself off, because he was going to say he was fine, but why would he be calling if he was? He wasn’t, not in the least bit.

“Where’re your parents?”

It had been six days since Makoto had died. Rin had waited too long, because he hadn’t even talked to Haruka at the funeral. Makoto’s family and Haruka’s parents were already swarming the grieving teen, offering bit words of comfort and condolences; Rin didn’t need to add to that, so he didn’t. He had assumed Haruka’s parents were staying for a few days, at least, just to make sure that their son was okay.

“They left this morning.”

Nodding (even though Haruka couldn’t see it), Rin exited his house and started jogging. Haruka didn’t live far away, not as far as Rin would’ve liked because the temptation was always just a run away, and the redhead knew he needed to be there if Haruka had no one. Rin had already let him down, unintentionally; he couldn’t bear to do it again.

“I’m almost there, 'kay? I promise.” Rin kept promising, because promises were final, and Haruka had had too much temporary lately. He kept promising and running and finally knocking on a door and meeting an armful of a sobbing mess. He held Haruka, ran his hands through silky black hair, continued to quiet his crying. Rin had to be strong enough to lead them both to a couch where Haruka had never been so weak before. But that sort of thing happened when his best and most shining light suddenly blinked out.

“I’m here,” Rin whispered, not caring how close they were. His heart wasn’t beating any faster than normal, his face was still pale, and his motives were untainted. He was fighting for the both of them, keeping himself glued together even as he finally felt truly sad that Makoto was dead.

“He’s not,” Haruka breathed in return, not daring to look up. He was shattered, so pained and so torn apart; and Rin could never have had any ulterior motives at that point. He couldn’t have, because he knew Makoto would have never forgiven him.

And Rin, impulsive and sometimes caustic Rin, could never hurt Haruka like that. Not when he mattered so entirely to two men who’d both have given the whole sky to keep him together.

“I know,” Rin finally agreed, combing his fingers through those soft tresses once more. He wouldn’t be able to coax Haruka to sleep that night; they’d eventually end up tangled in each other, not truly touching in anything less professional than a man protecting his most treasured item. Haruka still sobbed occasionally, and it came in unpredictable bursts that gripped Rin’s heart every time he heard the other’s breathing hitch; and Haruka drifted, but memories haunted him awake.

Rin didn’t sleep, naturally. He wasn’t tired, wouldn’t have been if Haruka only asked him not to be. Frequently, thoughts of Makoto kept him too alert. The redhead purposed within himself that he couldn’t pursue Haruka, not for a very long time, and perhaps not ever. Makoto had given him permission, had even requested him to.

But he never asked Haruka, and that was the only thing Rin would ever grudge Makoto for. He had never considered that his soulmate was so completely tethered to a dead man that he couldn’t let go of for fear of falling away completely. Haruka coudln’t just move on from Makoto to Rin, not as quickly as Makoto would have liked. And Makoto would have liked that, because had Haruka been able to find someone else soon, there would be no residual guilt for breaking such a perfect soul like Haruka.

Rin could never forgive Makoto for that one thing.

 


	2. Epilogue

But Haruka could, could forgive Makoto, because he never knew. He healed like any other person - slowly, sometimes painfully, and sometimes in reverse. There were good days, and along came bad days. On the best days, he could hear Makoto’s name in passing, and he could laugh at how his boyfriend used to scream during scary movies or how he used to chew on the ends of pens or how he loved teaching children. On the terrible, very long days, Haruka holed himself up at his home, perhaps didn’t eat, or perhaps just looked at his phone because he couldn’t let himself delete that last text message.

_I know_

But did he? Did Makoto ever really know? Maybe a few things. He knew when Haruka was sad, but he didn’t know to what extent. And the text hadn’t been about that, and it didn’t really matter anymore, not really. Because Makoto had never fully known.

Rin did. Rin sat beside him, comforted him, held him, soothed him, shushed him, made him laugh - and Rin knew. And Rin asked. And Rin watched with those sharp red eyes that may have once frightened Haruka with their vivid color, but now they grounded him. They no longer reminded Haruka of blood; they reminded him of soft rose petals.

Rin walked Haruka through every bout of panic that bubbled up in the black-haired boy. The anxiety came often, without warning, and it was so crippling that Haruka could hardly stand to breathe. It took all his power to keep himself afloat. And somehow, Rin anchored him through that.

To his own surprise, Haruka didn’t visit Makoto as much as he thought he would. When he did, he sat for a bit, never talked, because there was no point in talking. He’d never get an answer. Eventually, silence proved too painful, and Haruka found himself at Rin’s. There he could talk and cry and be answered.

He could be loved there, and he hadn’t realized it for a long while. How could he have known how much Rin loved Haruka, when Haruka was too wrapped up in how much Makoto used to love him?

They didn’t happen for two years. In those years, Rin swam, and Haruka watched and finally joined, and they raced. They equalled each other, challenged each other, toggled with each other. Rin was competitive, and Haruka was nonchalant. They irritated and picked and prodded, and Haruka felt the brunt of a realization that he himself had merely been ignoring.

He was so desperately in love. Not in the way he loved Makoto. Makoto had been easy to love, obvious to love. They had always been a pair, though not officially. They loved as best friends do; they grew in love and chose to love. The love Haruka had felt for Rin did not feel like much of a choice; it was a whirlwind, an impossibility to describe. It was needy and unwanted and inopportune. It was blinding and captivating, and Haruka fell fast and slow and breathlessly.

The only choice he had was not to say anything. And he should have.

When Haruka finally found himself grasping for what the sound of Makoto’s laugh sounded like, he sought refuge with Rin. Wordlessly, Rin reminded him that it was nervous and sometimes high-pitched and rather unattractive for someone as appealing as Makoto. And Haruka remembered, and Rin had laughed three tiny words, eight full letters when the ebony-haired man’s cheeks burned red.

_I love you._

Haruka blinked, expecting himself to be upset. He wasn’t, not when he had subconsciously been waiting for longer than he wanted to hear those words. The redhead, on the other hand, began to apologize, and he only stopped when Haruka spoke.

_I love you, too._

They didn’t kiss then, because Rin had thought he felt Makoto’s presence too strongly in the room. He approved, of course, but it still felt unnatural then. It didn’t later, when Rin won an important meet (it was trivial, in the long run), and Haruka’s lips met his suddenly. That felt fine.

But they sat there, together, thinking of laughter and laughing themselves and at themselves because Haruka was still occasionally a mess, and he would always think of Makoto, and he could never forget what a first love felt like. But the second was patient, moreso than he thought he deserved. Rin was still loud and abrasive and not always gentle. But he was patient.

They visited Makoto together, after what felt like a very long time together (yet it had only been a few weeks), and Haruka wore his yellow shoes, because they had been Makoto’s favorites. He didn’t notice the way Rin’s mouth dropped open at the sight of the slightly-offending yellow. When they arrived at the grave, Haruka didn’t cry. He couldn’t, even when he thought about it. He would later, and Rin held him accordingly. But with Makoto and Rin, the two very people that loved him the most, Haruka felt two things return to him, two things that he’d thought were forever lost to him.

His security, and his surety.

**Author's Note:**

> A.N.: My longest one-shot ever! That's a super exciting thing, wrapped in a sort of sad story...Anyway, I, in no way, own Free! or any of its characters. Please feel free to favorite or leave a review! Thanks for reading, and hope you guys enjoy!


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